Robert Ross is a freelance writer/researcher who specializes in men's issues.

In 1935 my mother's brother committed suicide, to this day she claims it was an appendicitis attack. She doesn't want to think about it or talk about it. I never met her brother, it was only by accident that I learned of his tragic death. My mother's reaction was understandable, but the question of why so many men choose to end their lives is still a mystery.

Regarding suicide and men, the statistics are staggering. The overwhelming majority of suicides are committed by males. The figures tell the tale; a tale of male problems, perhaps too extensive to address, and too painful to talk about. Suicide and men is not good party conversation, not good conversation period. Like my mother, we, as a society, seem to go about our business not wanting to examine or openly discuss the issue.

Why do men kill themselves? There are no easy answers. But there are common threads that weave their way through many of those who choose to take their own lives. I talked to three people who had someone close to them commit suicide. It wasn't hard to find these people. Those dying are our brothers, our uncles, our fathers and our friends.

Janet comes from a family of two sisters and two brothers. Originally from Idaho, the family moved to California for a better life. Her brother recently committed suicide. He was twenty-one. He enjoyed writing, especially poetry. Tall, thin, a bit shy in public, he wanted to be liked and went to great lengths to try and please people. His suicide wasn't a spontaneous act. He had purchased a gun a few weeks before his death, an obvious indication that he had made the decision to bring his life to an end. When asked her thoughts on the reasons for her brother's suicide, Janet explains it this way, "My brother was depressed, he was on medication and he was drinking a lot. He had been threatening suicide, so it wasn't a surprise when it happened." Janet talks of the symptoms, was asked for her thoughts on the reasons for his suicide, she explained it this way, "I really don't know why, he was depressed, not happy, I guess he felt useless."

Depression seems to be a common symptom among those that commit suicide. Why Arnold was depressed is the question left unanswered. He was retired, the children had grown and left the house and the family had enough money to live comfortably through an inheritance.

Suicide and men. Why? Volumes have been written on the subject of suicide. We tend to think about it as a fact of life, affecting both genders equally. This is not the case. We need to start looking at it as a male issue. By doing so, the truth about why men commit suicide in much greater numbers may be revealed to us. By focusing on men, we may be able to see the answers more clearly. Women attempt suicide more often then men, but men succeed. We need to study those that succeed for the answer. There are answers and there are solutions. We just need to start looking.

It is clear that men have more demands placed on them at an earlier age. The competitiveness that's built into the male culture, and society's demands on men to be protectors, providers and superstars, all are contributing factors. The nation's laws which require that men register to defend the country if needed, add to pressures. The community's need for protection usually is met mainly by males. We value those men that achieve individually, and ignore those that don't. We encourage men to "tough it out" when confronted with problems. These factors together may be the reason for the alarming male suicide statistics.

Dr. Warren Farrell, author of The Myth Of Male Powerl devoted a chapter in his book to this issue of suicide. Dr. Farrell believes that men commit suicide in far greater numbers than women when they feel unloved, unneeded, or they feel they are a burden on society. Men have spent their youth training to be achievers, to be providers and protectors, and never learned the skills to deal with the humiliation that comes with failure in any of these areas. Whereas women are often encouraged to develop nurturing skills, taught to help each other through life's traumas, men are rarely taught these skills.

Upon reexamining all three of the people I interviewed, Dr. Farrell's theories appear to hold. Although the interviews were simplistic in nature, there is a thread that weaves its way through all three deaths. That thread is the sense of being unloved, unneeded, or a burden to those around you. Kathy's father, no longer the provider, felt unneeded. His family had grown and left. He, from a generation that didn't seek emotional help when needed, who stormed the beaches of Normandy, needing to bury emotions deeply to survive, didn't have the wherewithal to say "I need help". Feeling unneeded, depressed, like a burden on society, a burden on his family, he ended his humiliation the only way he knew how. Janet's brother lost at love, and was unemployed (unloved and unneeded). He failed, and perhaps the humiliation was too great. Phil's relationship had ended and he felt unloved The depression and the medication added up.

Unfortunately, when men lose at love, there are no "Lost At Love Shelters" available. There are no widely advertised government sponsored support groups for men in emotional pain. No men's studies departments in major universities to turn to for answers. And since men are not generally trained in nurturing skills, they're not likely to have found many male friends who are trained listeners, trained nurturers. Men are taught to be strong, and go it alone. Unfortunately their problems are often too great to handle alone.

What are the facts about men and suicide? In 1990 there were approximately 25,000 reported male suicides as compared to 6,182 females. Men commit suicide on average four times more than women.2 Older men commit suicide about 1325% more then older women.3 In other words, for each older female who commits suicide, 1325 males also committed suicide.

Suicide and men, it is a tragedy. We hear of Vincent Foster in the White House committing suicide in a park in Washington, or O.J. Simpson's threat of suicide on the freeways of Los Angeles, and consider it just a part of life, not a male tragedy. Perhaps the real tragedy is that society is not ready to focus on yet another group of victims, especially when that group (men) have been blamed for much of society's ills. Kurt Cobain (from the rock group Nirvana) commits suicide and we shake our heads and say "well, that's just life, must have been drugs or something", and then we wait, wait for the next one, shake our heads again, and wait. Hopefully the tragedy doesn't come too close to our own lives, while we wait. But perhaps, while we wait . . . we can talk about it, and in talking, begin the process of solving the tragedy of men and suicide.

This article is dedicated to the memory of Arthur Flint.

1. Farrell, Warren, Ph.D, The Myth Of Male Power (Simon & Schuster, 1993).

2. National Center For Health Statistics, USBH&HS/NCHS, Vital statistics of the United States.

3. Ibid.

Copyright @ 1995 by Robert Ross, All Rights Reserved

[NCFM HOME PAGE]

National Coalition of Free Men
PO Box 129
Manhasset, NY 11030