DEAR NCFM: You may print this article if you like. (EDITOR'S NOTE: we have a name on file, but we have not been able to verify the author's association with the shelter. Nevertheless, the depiction's presented are a very good articulation of the anecdotal stories being passed around about any number of batter shelters across our land. Bethany House, is invited to respond). Dear Sir/Madam, I have been a volunteer worker at Bethany House of Northern Virginia, 5901 Leesburg Pike, Falls Church, Virginia, a private non-profit so called battered women's shelter. I wish to remain anonymous for fear of personal and professional reprisals by my co-workers and the Bethany House staff. In my experience working at the shelter I am appalled and outraged by what is really going on at Bethany House of Northern Virginia (BHNV). To put it bluntly, it is for most part nothing more than a "one stop divorce shop for emotional and bored housewives who want a change of life". It is also largely used as a free hostel for women with emotional problems if they are willing to hate their husbands enough and are willing to take out protective orders against their husbands. Women who follow BHNV's agenda are guaranteed residency at the shelter for up to 7 months. All of this in the name of a Battered Women's shelter is sickening to disgust. From my observations, the goal of Bethany House is to get bored and emotional housewives to leave their marital home after infuriating them with a heavy dose of husband bashing, anti-male talk, patriarchy, and negative motivation. This is carefully planned and executed by the Bethany House staff and volunteers. Simple tasks as cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of children are explained to the housewives as abusive and demeaning tasks forced upon them by their spouses. Marital arguments are explained as serious verbal abuse. Occasional pushing and showing are explained as serious physical abuse. Decision-making is shown as emotional abuse. The staff and volunteers, through a network of sources, identify emotional housewives. With a series of pep talks, tests and evaluations, BHNV staffs make the wives and husbands incompatible, infuriate the wife with propaganda, and then exploit the wife's frustration and anger as retaliation against the husband. The wife is given verbal and written instructions on how to leave the house secretly for the BHNV shelter. Bethany House system resources are geared to get the father charged with an offence and to make the mother look like the victim and the children ending up as helpless pawns in the abuse game manipulated by BHNV. Women with almost no marital problems are declared abused and are coached by the staff to go to court and get a protective order against their husbands with the promise of long-term shelter, legal services, counseling at BHNV. BHNV also uses scare tactics to get women to file a protective order. This is a gross abuse of a system that was designed for real battered women. Most of the staff and volunteers at BHNV have a jaundiced view of marriage and men, and attach little importance to the role of fathers in children's lives. A majority of these staff and volunteers are women who are themselves from broken marriages and failed relationships, enraged with a bottomless pit of anger at men. Women, staff and volunteers at the shelter use foul language and spend a lot of time father bashing, husband bashing and hold group sessions to initiate the same feelings to new residents. Bethany House is a terrible place, not the environment where children should be. Not even women. A lot of Bethany House activities are carefully doctored and monitored and have to remain behind a "veil of secrecy." The BHNV network with their legal services, sociologists, and psychiatrists practice a self-censorship. It's just a lot of radical feminists making biased judgements against fathers, husbands, and families. BHNV has repeatedly lied to charities that they are a church and religious organization. Indeed they are located within the Culmore United Methodist Church complex. But all they do is rent space and have no connection with the Church. BHNV has misrepresented and repeatedly lied to the United Way of the National Capitol Area regarding BHNV's position for several years. In their United Way of the National Capitol Area CVC Code 8046 Charity Application form 2002, which I was involved in, I and other volunteers were told to outright lie and make it as family oriented as possible. According to the wording in the charity form in verbatim, which I quote below. (a) "BHNV family assistance program for battered spouses and their children provides multiple interventions blended into a comprehensive family development/family strengthening plan." (b) "Outreach staff work with each family to examine and alter behaviors, and to enhance each victim's capacity to exercise self-determination and autonomy." (c) "Once stabilized, victims implement customized family strengthening strategies, accessing services and advocating for clients to ensure realization of each individual's" I can vouch for the fact that none of the above statements presented to United Way 2002 charity are anywhere near truth. Their so-called family assistance program: (a) excludes children, fathers, husbands and indeed family interests. And does exclude to a large part the self-determination and autonomy of the housewife they supposedly "rescue." It in fact represents BHNV's interests almost exclusively to the fullest extent possible. (b) Outreach staff never work with families, neither do they make any attempt to alter behavior as they claim. They secretly meet with the wife and encourage her to pack up and leave with the children for the shelter and file a protective order against the father. This is almost always the rule - even if there was no abuse within the family. Outreach staff never assesses issues presented by the family. The father or any male member is never consulted in this case. Indeed the father is by default the abuser of the mother. (c) There is no family strengthening strategies for the victims as they claim. By this time the poor housewife is converted into a victim by BHNV with no recourse but to depend on BHNV for her financial stability, the children are alienated from their father by a protective order BHNV helped the housewife achieve. The father is sued for child and spousal support with the legal help of BHNV. Not only does BHNV impoverish a family by breaking them apart, but legally and morally commits child abuse by removing children from their home and putting them in a shelter. Away from their school, friends, and other familiar activities. I have spoken with several wives at BHNV who have deeply regretted having contacted BHNV and acting on BHNV's advice. They have all been told to outright lie and fabricate half-truths to distort. They have all taken out protective orders against their husbands in "the heat of the moment" at BHNV's suggestions and deeply regret destroying their marriage, family, husband and their children's future and "burning their boat" at any reconciliation much to their dismay. I implore and beg your office to investigate and do something soon to stop this senseless break up of families and needless trauma to children. Please do something. The children of Fairfax County do not deserve this kind of cruelty, This is happening right under our very noses. Please do something now! Thank you for your time. DEAR NCFM: Thank you so much for your web site it's great. I'm doing a speech this upcoming week on how men are oppressed, and though it is only 4 minutes long, I think it is time (as a speaker and activist) to do a speech on men's rights and do it the best I can. However... as this class is mostly female and I think the teacher is involved with women's rights. I will need to have all my stats BACKED-UP by somewhat unbiased organizations. I'm wondering where you get your stats such as the 95% of work deaths are men? I've had this problem with other stats as well on other pages in that 3 out of 4 suicide victims are male, but I can't just put that in or I'm going to get called BIG TIME! Thank you so much for your help. And as soon as you can contact me, that'd be great. Feel free to call me on either phone that I ahve!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!! Peace and God Bless, Rick Vegan WEBMASTER - The bad news is that you probably will not get the sources you want in time for your speech. The good news is that I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance (grin). Just kidding. A lot of documented research has been done by author, Warren Farrell. All of his books are well documented. I'll pick one. Read his book, The Myth Of Male Power. It comes complete with a comprehensive bibliography. Going to the resources yourself will take time. The stats about suicide are available from the Dept of Health and Human Services. They will send you numbers from which you can deduce conclusions comparing men to women. Try this URL: Fatal occupational injuries and employment by selected worker characteristics, 2002, published by the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Anyway, Farrel's work is one of the quickest and most comprehensive ways to get what you want. If you had more time I would also refer you to radio commentator, Glenn Sacks: http://www.glennjsacks.com/ Farrell's web site is: http://www.warrenfarrell.com/ To the other students who are reading this I would like to point out several useful features at our web site. If you are doing a term paper, doing research or preparing a speech, go to our Resources 1 page (oval men on our home page: http://www.ncfm.org). Follow the RED links. They are there for you. Also take a look at our "News" page. The articles on the right side of your screen come from a news feed. These articles are changed and updated automatically when new material arrives. Old articles are listed in an archive. In addition, if you click on the wavy flag next to any article, your computer will automatically produce a list of related articles available on the internet. This feature is a researcher's dream come true when trying to locate sources on hard to find men's issues topics. DEAR NCFM: Hundreds of are men waiting for a movement like yours. Actually you are the last hope we have. In this country males are nothing more but simple merchandise, for how long? If there is a section of your movement in the European Union? Please notify us so we have the chance to fight for our rights our self respect, our dignity, the right to be free and not be treated from the day we are born like a wallet constantly exploited by women. Please help us! Sincerely John Cutler johny_cutler@hotmail.com WEBMASTER - There is nothing you can join in the European Union, per se. There are father's rights groups in certain select countries within the E.U. For example, in the United Kingdom there is Fathers 4 Justice: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/f4jswansea/ - This a very militant group and one you should support if you can. They are getting world attention. Also take a look at http://www.angryharry.com/ This web site also comes from Great Britain. You can get a short list of groups internationally by going to our web site (http://www.ncfm.org). Click on Resources 1 (oval menu). When the next page appears look at the menu on your right. Click on International List Of Organizations (number 5). Unfortunately, National Coalition of Free Men has no way to legally form anything outside of the United States. DEAR NCFM: Dear Members of the National Coalition of Free Men, I have wanted to get a letter out to the organization but have been struggling with the right words to get out what I want to say. I was then reminded of some simple advice, write from the heart. So that is what I shall do, besides this heart has not steered me wrong yet! The man in my life that I love and adore, and could not be without, the one that is my soul mate, the missing other half of me, is a paternity fraud victim. We have known one another for ten years and have been united for the past five years. In that time I stood by him, before he had DNA proof of his innocence. Once proof was in hand I have battled beside him to make what is wrong turned right, all this in the hope of our future together free of this crippling fraud. In the past couple years I was introduced to and became clearly aware of the ongoing injustices men in society are brutally faced with. I always felt that there was something wrong with the balance between men and women, yet had no real proof of it until I met and became part of the NCFM. I have since then spent time with the victims of domestic violence, false accusations, and the fathers that are being denied their children. I have listened to their stories and taped into their pain and touched their emotional scars. Amazed at how far the pendulum has swung I became enraged and vowed to do all that I can to pull the unbalanced scales toward equality. Do not get me wrong I am grateful for women's liberation and it could have been a good thing if the out of control feminists had not taken the freedom that was offered so many years ago and used it to imprison men and then condition society to the idea that women are helpless and always the victims and continue to over the years condition more false ideas into society's head. Women empowered women with a voice, but I decided to use this woman's voice to shout back at the very women that gave it to me. And why do I shout back and battle on behalf of the opposite sex? No one can explain why one gender is better then the other. Both genders have basic psychical and emotional needs, and those needs deserved to be filled. Neither gender should be deprived of medical care, education, employment and so forth. To reproduce we need the opposite gender. Good and bad resides in both sexes-it's called human nature. So really the tug of war needs to end and each sex accept the other and extend each other equal, fair treatment. Is that so hard? As it stands it is that hard-so until things change and people wake I will voice my opinions. Well voicing those opinions and dealing with paternity fraud is draining psychically and emotionally. It becomes tireless when your efforts for changing the injustices and being there for others, always on the go, taking on more and more, offering materials and time and organizing BBQs, attempting your own organization, going to rallies, meetings, lobbing in Sacramento, letter and email writing and so much more are only worth a tiny pull toward equality. But then when I was recently faced with negativity from the very individuals that I had vowed to help! I was done! Why was I doing all this work for it to be unappreciated? No more end of discussion! Or so I thought! A week or more had passed and I remained with my heels dug in that I had given up. Taron (my better half) supported my hasty choice and did not push the matter. An unexpected surprise in the mail was delivered, a Valentine's Day card addressed directly to me. The card was not from St. Valentine nor was it a romance from cupid, but it still touched my soul and brought me to tears. It then slapped me in the face with my own stupidity. All the wonderful women in NCFM were sent the beautiful customized cards reminding that we are very much appreciated for all our efforts and the National Coalition of Free Men recognizes the hard work. Valentines Day to me is more of a day that has become commercial and based on a false image of romantic love, a day that I rather let quietly pass, but opening this card shattered the commercial image and brought back the meaning of appreciated love and thankfulness for me. And that is more beautiful than 100 dozen roses and sweeter then the finest chocolates. With that I was shown that I had given up for all the wrong individuals and temporarily forgotten about the reasons that I got involved in this battle and those that I started this for and continued on for. My priorities became clouded. I reexamined the core reasons that made me feel so strongly on the matter, and as I reread the card I let the tears release the hurt I had been feeling due to the negativity of others, and then allowed myself to be newly fulfilled with the gratitude of those that mailed my surprise valentine. I now keep the valentine within reach as a reminder of the unmet men who need my assistance and serve as a reminder that I will be faced with obstacles that will test my beliefs and willingness to fight in this matter, all in the hope of my being blocked and giving up. So I am sorry to you all that for a short time I gave up on you all and myself. The valentine has renewed my strength and become in some way a shield. I thank you for letting me know how important we all are and how much we all need one another to achieve the goal of equality. I look forward to trying out new ideas and can not wait to see what we have all accomplished by next Valentine's Day. Since this entire letter is based on thanks and appreciation, if I may -A special thank you to my better half Taron, I love you more then you may ever realize, together you and I can do anything, I am looking forward to our future. To my dad, Gordon and my brother Robert, the first two male influences in my life. Thank You for everything. And to my Grandpa Brown, I miss you so much and wish you were still here to see all that I am doing. I am forever grateful for your love and acceptance in me. An extra special note to the NCFM-LA chapter, I am proud to be apart of the Los Angeles chapter and work with each one of you. Your support has been amazing and I look forward to continuing to work with you all. I love you all and each one of you holds a special place in my heart. And to all the tireless volunteers of the NCFM, once again I thank you for all your time and support. I hope one day our paths cross and if not psychically, I know that we shall cross paths through word of mouth, each time we educate or help a victim we share an experience in their hearts and memories forever. And in times of heart ache and struggle never forget there is a stranger that cares and is for the same purpose and final goal of equality, fairness and justice for all! Raegan Phillips National Coalition of Free Men Los Angeles Chapter WEBMASTER - Thank you for your very kind words about our cause and about NCFM. Let me make a couple of notes to readers. Not all of the women in NCFM got cards. While some women did receive cards, the ones who did were dues paying members of chapters. That is because our national organization does not release address information. The idea for this project originated with our DC chapter. Cards were sent to chapter presidents who, in turn, sent them to members. DNA fraud is also called, Paternity Fraud and might also go under other names. It refers to a situation where a man is forced by the court to pay child support for children who are not his. Usually this occurs because a woman lies to a man, convinces him that her children are his children, and then also lies to the court. Sometimes, however, that man may know the truth but is, in the parlance of our great justice system, "adjudicated", the wallet who will pay support based on the lies of the woman. There are even instances where the court knows the truth but appoints a man anyway. In other words, the court becomes part of the conspiracy and participates in the crime - although your government does not call it or consider it to be a crime. By today's definition of "crime" only YOU can commit a crime. DEAR NCFM: I am trying to circulate my case information throughout the country. Since the judge's order in Gwinnett County, Georgia. As of last week, February 12th, 2004, the hearing that evolved from an emergency hearing of contempt to enforce my current order of visitation resulted in a loss of visitation for my self. I will talk to anyone about my case. I am also willing to talk to any media element about my story. Any support or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I can be contacted at ejb1520@attg.net. Thanks Edward Bienkowski DEAR NCFM: I'm a member of NCFM-LA and I enjoy your web site as it has a lot of insights into the "war between the sexes." The internet seems to be the only place where such information gets disseminated. Anyway, I do a web site called Games Women Play. It's a distillation of the wisdom based on the dating and "relationship" experience myself and a lot of other men have had with women. It's the sort of stuff that any guy going into the dating scene needs to know, especially younger guys. Anyway, the site is at: http://home.earthlink.net/~jamiranda/GWPindex.html Would you like to link your site to mine? In return, I will link my site to yours. Just send me the URL you want posted. Thanks. --- Joseph Miranda DEAR NCFM: I'm Canadian. Compared to you Americans we have few democratic freedoms and constitutional protections for freedom of the press. To read that an American journalist supported by an American newspaper would advocate the silencing of free speech sent a cold and sickening shiver up my spine. That her employer would take sides on an issue in support of promoting violence against any child and by so doing make light of disasters like the Columbine massacre, and receive an income from her employer for doing so, is, in this Canadian's opinion, equal to conspiracy to engage in and promote terrorism against male children. I call on Attorney General John Ashcroft to investigate the San Francisco Chronicle's involvement in the promotion and endorsement of terrorist activities against male children. I also hereby allege that the journalist slandered and defamed, Glenn J. Sacks, was defamed by implying that Mr. Sacks has no valid voice for me or the men's movement. Far from "self proclaimed" Mr. Sacks has long been a spokesman for the men's movement and his growing success is proof of that. Mr Sacks has my full endorsement to argue this cause for me and to act as spokesman on my behalf until such time as I decide otherwise. Amateur At Large WEBMASTER - The article being referenced is, "Single-Minded: Will you please shut up and get a life, already?" Critics targeting anti-boy T-shirts must have something better to do than take political correctness to new depths of inanity", by Jane Ganahl, Chronicle Staff Writer, San Francisco Chronicle, February 22, 2004. The URL for this article is: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/02/22/LVGPM53D151.DTL You can visit Glenn Sacks's web site at: http://www.glennjsacks.com/. In the March/April issue of Transitions (NCFM News) we covered Mr. Sacks's successful efforts to remove offensive T-Shirts from large retailers. In one case a T-Shirt read, "Boys Are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them". DEAR NCFM: I'm so glad you've started this and saddened at the same time. The wrong-headed feminists of this country have set the genders against each other. Both sides are now in competition and they don't even know it and it seems the younger male generation is on the losing side at this point in time. I'm really worried about the present day push in the schools towards promoting the girls while tearing down the boys. Look at the college entrance percentages of the males to females ratio and the graduating professionals, (no girl problem here). Now Look at Laura Schleshinger's stupid book on "The Care and Feeding of Husbands", and other such diatribe (If I were male, I'd be incensed at that title). Look at current cartoons on dad depiction (always the bumble-head while mom's a Rhodes scholar). Sex on T.V. isn't the problem. Depicting our males as idiots is extremely damaging to the next generation, (both sides). I want to do something but I don't know what. As an aside, my director is male with a 13 year old daughter who believes I should bring my sons on the "Take your daughter to work day". Regards, Michelle P. Baker P.S. - I graduated with an electronics degree in engineering and I am currently working as a manager in an electronics firm AND Mother of two bright sons who have technical minds and hopeful aspirations. WEBMASTER - There are no fast and glamorous solutions. Everything in life is one detail at a time. The first thing you or anyone else should do is join (http://www.ncfm.org/member.htm). After you have received our newsletter and participated in our member only discussion forum you will get a feel for what is needed and will hopefully get a clear idea on how you can help. We encourage things like community involvement. As to whether or not you should take your sons to Take Your Daughters To Work Day, this is something that should be left up to them. Don't do anything that would embarrass them. Perhaps you could do it if you got together with other parents to send a message to your company. Some companies have Take Your Child To Work Day. In one case that we organized some years ago (Lucent Technologies) a special day was set aside just for boys. There is no doubt that some creative approach should be taken for boys who are forced to attend school on a day when the girls are getting what amounts to a day off. Inviting a speaker from NCFM to come in and address the boys is a good idea. You want to make sure whoever comes to speak is NOT a pro feminist. Voice your ideas to the school board and the Parent Teachers Association. DEAR NCFM: My name is Adam Cadrain and I have just recently become a proud father of a little baby boy. The mother of my son is trying to keep him away from me because I requested to have DNA testing done and she has found a new man to try to fill the role. I now know that I am the father and I'm trying to find out what my rights are. I feel very lost and I was wondering if you could send me a link to some sites with information on what I can do. I was also wondering what rights my parents have in being able to see their grandson. I live in Connecticut and from what I have heard, they have just past new laws. I have very little money for a lawyer so and information that you can give me, would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time in reading this if anything else. Sincerely, Adam Cadrain WEBMASTER - If you want a basket of resources go to our web site at http://www.ncfm.org. Click on Resources 1 (inside the oval menu). Next, you will see a menu on your right. Carefully look down the list of topics for something that interests you. May I suggest you look at Divorce (#3) and Directories #4). The directories will list local groups near you who you can visit and consult. The Resources 2 page (oval menu) will provide you with a number of interactive resources. These are groups or organizations you can contact with your computer. DEAR NCFM: (EDITOR'S NOTE) The following email was sent to us (and distributed by) Freedom For Kids: ffk@rogers.com. Subject: "female discounts" in sentencing The Canadian Constitution is not worth the paper it is written on if the Judges do not uphold it. Section 28 , is equality of the sexes. I had an interesting, even if short, conversation with a Justice of the Provincial Court of Appeal last evening. My class on "Criminal sentencing" was engaged in a mooting exercise, and the Justice was recruited by the professor to hear our presentations and offer informal feedback. In response to one defense-counsel mooter in the class he said, "You have to play the hand you are dealt; you can't try to fudge the facts. And often there are only two facts you have going for you when arguing to sentence: (1) that your client is a first offender, and(2) that (s)he is a woman. I suppose it is heretical to say this, but the fact is that women are generally treated better by the justice system...." Later, in my moot, I was Crown counsel in a cocaine importing scenario. The convicted person was a woman. I produced a number of precedents (involving men) which supported giving the convict a significantly higher sentence than was imposed by the trial judge in our scenario. Again the Justice said in his comments on the moot, after acknowledging the strength of my arguments, "In this case, I wouldn't have changed the trial judge's sentence. The offender was a woman, and women generally receive sentences that are between one-quarter and one-third less than men for the same crime...." After the mooting exercise was over, I asked the Justice how someone could raise the issue of sentencing disparities on behalf of the Crown or defence without insulting the Court by basically saying that they had been sexist in their past decisions. He said that one couldn't very well raise the issue. I pressed him, asking, "But isn't the 'female discount' a violation of s. 28 of the Charter?" "Yes, I suppose it is." "And aren't judges sworn to uphold the Constitution?" "Well, yes," he conceded, somewhat (but not very) sheepishly. And then as if in exculpation, he said, "But this is an institutional fact which isn't going to change. And it doesn't exist only at sentencing. It is routine practice when a man and woman are charged with the same offense [e.g. cultivating marajuana in their house]for the Crown to offer to drop the charges against the woman if the man pleads guilty." Now remember that this is coming from a member of the Provincial Court of Appeal -- there's no higher legal authority in Canada other than the Supreme Court. He was perfectly open about the "female discount" to students he had never met before; somewhat uncomfortable with the fact, but basically just stating what he regarded as an obvious and unchangeable fact. Try to imagine the same attitude if the discussion were about a "white person's discount" or an "aboriginal mark-up" in sentencing.... WEBMASTER - When it comes to favoring women, the equal protection clause in the 14th Amendment of the United States Constitution isn't worth the paper it is written on either. DEAR NCFM: My name is Javier Pacheco. I live in XXXXX. The law says that an Order of Child Support may be modified one year or more after it has been entered without showing a substantial change in circumstances if the Order in Practice works a severe economic hardship on either party or child. It has caused trouble in my life ever since my support was drastically raised without cause with the result of one check that was multiplied for 48 weeks when in realty my job was seasonal and only lasted 12 weeks. I have tried to send copies of all my income for the last several years to Mr. B. Coomes in Kennewik, WA. The result has been more letters sent to my mail box about liens and license suspension. These are papers filling my mind with anger, frustration, depression and severe pressure on my life. How can someone be treated like me when my home and everything in it was taken away by my unfaithful ex-wife? The judge put me in the street with no past record of violence or any bad behavior. He told me in front of other people that I had less than 3 hours to abandon the home or I would be arrested. Even though the law says community property should be divided 50 % to each party I was not given a penny from the sale of the home or the stuff inside the home. All of my life's effort went into buying that place. I would appreciate if I could get a modification as soon as possible and stop all these large payments from piling up. I also think I have been badly treated by the court judge, Donald W. Schacht. In 1998 I lost everything because he ordered it to be given to my ex-wife. Later, in 2003, he sided with the attorney representing my ex-wife and I was charged an amount equal to my income for six months. I make minimum wage (my yearly income of not more that $5,500). Despite this, June Tomioka, the attorney representing my ex-wife, argued that I should pay an even higher payment for support. It made me think I was going to end up in a homeless shelter. I have paid the minimum support of 25 x 3 = 75 for the last 3 years. My ex-wife makes a huge salary of close to $40,000, not counting her husband's income. My ex-wife was not happy and somehow convinced her attorney and the judge to charge me almost 3 times more of what I had been paying even though I have been prevented from visiting my 3 children, because of threats made by my-exwife's husband. The last child support modification I had I was based on my income for 6 months, due to my seasonal jobs. The support office multiplied my biggest seasonal check stub by 12 months and came up with a large sum that was presented in court. When I told the Judge about it I was charged income at a 40 hour minimum wage for the other 6 months. The support office never recalculated the new amounts. They just went with the figures they already had and using one check to calculate my income for the whole year. The amount I made during the year when the modification was done was $3,500 for a seasonal job, plus $4,000 for imputed income totals $7,500. $7,500 divided by 12 months is only $625. This is considered poverty level. The child support should be set at a minimum of 25 per child. The Support schedule states that tax exemptions should be divided between parties. Why can't I even claim one child? Even if I were making all that imaginary income, with the high child support deductions and only being able to file taxes as a single person, I would still be left with a short amount of money and would still depend on government sources to support myself. If it weren't for food stamps I could not make it by myself. Shari, at Blue Mountain Action Council, has added the amounts of my support after the modification and before and she still couldn't understand where all the high figures were coming from. Figures were added over and over using figures that were incorrect. This child support error has cost me thousands of dollars in back support in a short period of time and has put a lot of financial stress in my life. It has affected my living conditions in every possible way. Also, last year papers from my ex-wife, were fixed in a way to make her income look small. On the tax forms at her place of employment she claims to be single with no dependents. That way she can get back a lot of tax money at the end of the year. She gets a big income tax refund claiming our 3 children. She has a yearly income $38,544, not counting her husband wages or other income she makes by fostering children in her home. Also, my highest 3 pay checks were printed on the court papers to make it look like I was making lots of money all year long. My income for the last few months have been extended unemployment benefits where I was receiving $100 a week and the support office was deducting 50% for child support. This left me with only $50 a week. When I was paying the minimum child support I never had to apply for foods stamps. Now it looks like I will be depending on them for a long time. Even if my support is lowered it will take a long time to catch up with all of my past bills and still find a way to support myself. This is because of the withholding tax and back child support. Its not like I have not been trying. I have applied at so many places and have been going to a source at work for improving my skills. I have even gotten help from them getting some training at WWCC to see if I can improve my skills a little better. With no education the chances of finding a job get slimmer. I do wish to support my children. Even more I would like to have money to travel and visit with them. I truly wish to know my girls, however, the hardship of the jobless rate is currently not in my favor. I hope to soon report , that I have found work and can pay these payments. But for now I don't see any way to do this. At the very least my motivation is to find income in order for my girls to know me and that I have love for them. Thank you for your valuable time. I don't know where else to turn. It seems that everyone is against me and wants to get the last of me. I don't know what the laws are here in the U.S. It seems that no matter how much I complain the worse they treat me. look at how busy Mr. B. Coomes has been sending me all these child enforcement letters and putting liens on my car and on my income tax refund, and my other property. Has he got liens on my ex-wife's home and cars too? Please advice me where I can talk to someone who is really honest and sincere about human rights. Thanks, J. P. WEBMASTER - I had to do a great deal of editing in order to try and make what you are saying clear. I appreciate that you are learning English, but read over your letter and be sure I have everything correct. You face the same situation every man in North America faces. And that includes Mexico. Government run family court systems see men as wallets and not as dads or human beings. There are no sources that are funded to which you can turn. The best you can do is to try and locate a local father's rights group, attend meetings, and wait to see if they can be of any help. Here is a possible contact in Washington State. Bob Karls, Director, Dads Against Discrimination P.O. Box 65131 Shoreline, WA 98155-9131 Voice: (206) 623-DADS 1-800-246-3237 inside Washington E-mail: dadsofwa@seanet.com DEAR NCFM: I, T.R., being a man, a husband, a father and a United States of America citizen has learned that I have no rights in this country. I have learned that a woman, in this case, can appear before the judicial system and stipulate false information and destroy a man's life and take everything from him. Currently, I can not live in my home; I get to spend limited time with my older two boys; I have not been with my one year old in 93 days. The martial estate is in foreclosure and the family automobile is due for repossession starting on March 6th 2004. Utility bills, loans, other bills are not being paid and are in collections. As arranged by the two attorneys in an out-of-court session, I am to pay my wife greater than 50% of my salary, and she is to pay ALL the martial estate expenses. But, she is not. And I am having to survive on less than $400 every two weeks for all my living expenses plus legal fees. The attorneys, the courts, the judges, and the entire judicial is against me as a father. I HAVE NO RIGHTS! T.R. WEBMASTER - Feel free to contact our self help counselor for ideas he might be able to offer you. Go to our web site and click on, Contact Us. Scroll down until you see our various counseling services. Look for the Self Help Hotline. Also review the resources available on our Resources 2 page (inside the oval menu). This will help you find people who can advise you - http://www.ncfm.org GOOD LUCK DEAR NCFM: I have visited your web site. I found it while searching the web in desperation to help my Nephew who has been falsely accused of sexual torture & mental abuse. The sexual torture comes from the claim of sodomy. My Nephew is to appear in front of the Grand Jury in late April. We were only aware of this 2 weeks ago when he was arrested, and so far one lawyer has said it would cost $20,000 for him to even look at the case. My sister" nephiew's mom is disabled and the family has no way of coming up with this type of money. History is: He and his wife were married for 15 years. She is 10 years his senior. She has made a total of 7-8 arrest on him each time he left her. Then stalked him at his Job, home, etc., once he'd agree to go back to her she would drop the charges. This has been a repeat pattern through the marriage. Last year, 2003, she sought charges against him for the above mentioned. It went to court. He hired a lawyer and was given a period of 1 year for nether of them to have contact. She later obtained a restraining order. 5 months ago she claimed he broke the order and, I believe, appealed the org. Judges decision of the case. Papers were issued for his arrest, but he had moved a year before 100 miles away after the case had been heard to get away from her. She hunted him down doing a search on yahoo and had him arrested. During their marriage she went to school and studied criminal law for 5 years but never obtained a degree. She has used the law and what she learned to seek revenge. She has also has used women's abuse groups to help her. My nephew has a clean record. He has never been in any type of trouble except for the charges she put against him. She even refuses to give him a divorce. They have no children together. After reading on your site about, William Hetherington (http://www.ncfm.org/will.htm), I am scared to death for my nephew. I have also looked up Alabama's laws and it appears she picked the right charges to put him in prison. She promised him if he left her she would make his life and his family's hell. She is staying true to her word. I am a women myself, and am sick to my stomach knowing other women would use the justice system in this way. I just could not believe something like this could happen until I started reading of how many innocent men are in jail. My heart is breaking that my nephew may well be one of them because we are poor, but even then it seems men who even had resources have still been found guilty when they were not. I cannot find any of your support groups in Alabama. Is there ANYONE you know of that cold be of any assistance for him? I've also read all of your links and could not find any, maybe I over looked something at the site? Please, if there is anything you can do to guide us in the right direction through any of this, I would be so grateful. We have 3 weeks till his hearing date. Was told we could file for a motion to the court but we do not even know how to do that. And this is Grand Jury. Sincerely, D. D. WEBMASTER - You did miss some resources at our web site (http://www.ncfm.org). You need to look at three places. First click on Contact Us (above the black box). Scroll down until you see Self Help Hotline. Read the rules and then call our self help counselor. He is not an attorney, but he may be able to give you some ideas on how to proceed. Next, go back to our home page and click on Resources 1 (Oval Menu). Look at the menu on your right and click on False Accusation (number 19). There are several organizations you can contact for help, but the most important is Dean Tong (813-885-6173). Mr. Tong is as a behind the scenes consultant to attorneys (he is not, himself, an attorney). His prices are reasonable and he is committed to men's causes. Even without any money it is worth a call. Finally, go back to our home page and click on Resources 2. The services listed are the hardest to keep up to date, but you should be able to find a group that is still functioning where you can find "no cost" help and more referrals. The sources listed on our Resources 2 page are interactive ones where you can directly communicate with other people through email lists, newsgroups and Yahoo Groups. This is going to require some tiresome research, but without money you have no other alternatives. With or without money you have no guarantees. Finally, I will say to you what I have said to many others. Find a way to fund us. We are all volunteer. There is a crying need to create a voice for men. There is none. And you know the result. DEAR NCFM: Why is the MEN's movement so silent? Where are the petitions, protests, and civil disobedience that is necessary to bring about change? We need a mission statement, a set of core issues and fund raising events! I am also a victim of the domestic violence system and the family (or Women's) court system. These issues are being ignored because the "MEN" that vote on them are above the system. If we are not brave enough to face the enemy with a picket sign, then we are all done and should just put on the "LIFETIME" or "WOMEN'S ENTERTAINMENT" network and shut up! Paul A. WEBMASTER - Your question is an excellent one. It has no known answer. There is lots of speculation and guessing. Even worse than the divorce situation is Affirmative Action where countless men were rendered unemployed, underemployed and passed over for deserved promotions because the government insisted on the hiring and promotion of women, any woman, just because she was a female. Where was the protest? The silence on all points resulting from the oppression of feminism is not subtle. A lot of people (academics and researchers) have noticed it. Those who are active remain few in number. At this point I could write a chapter about the possibilities. Instead, I will just give you a glimpse at our observations. I am going to have to skip a lot of detail here. Feminism very cleverly used male chauvinism to both condemn us and to enlist our aid in our own demise. Basically, they were able to tap into the male's protective nature. In the male dominated competitive world the situation had always pitted one male against another and often this meant defeating another man to protect a woman. Feminists were allowed to get away with saying that they represented all women. And without any protest from groups of women, themselves, this seemed to be the case. So powerful men were enlisted in their case. A second phenomena was the Vietnam War. This event was the single most power event of our times and paved the way for the rise of Communists. Communism was where the women's movement fist found a voice. Of course, Communists did not come out of the woodwork in the 1970s and 80s announcing themselves to be communists as they had mistakenly done in the 1930s. Instead, they championed legitimate civil rights causes in an environment created by the Vietnam War which permitted the criticism and eventual transformation of all of our social institutions. It took a long time before anyone saw through this cloak. Today you can go to almost any chat board and see that the agenda of men's rights activists has a lot of popular sympathy. At the same time this sentiment goes against the popular grain. The powers that took over in the 1970s and 80s are well entrenched and they act against us. How else do explain that despite 30 years of research that conclusively shows men to be 50% of battered spouses you will almost never see this mentioned in your local news paper coverage of domestic violence? When it does all come out in the open a lot people are going to have to admit they were wrong. Too many people, perhaps? This is an uphill battle. And thank God there are good people who do see through it all and have stepped up to the plate. Now it is your turn. If you don't join (http://www.ncfm.org/members.htm) or do something yourself you will find the answer to your question in you. DEAR NCFM: (EDITOR'S NOTE: In response to the above webmaster reply) You should get more detail before taking sides. If I abuse him why is he still married and living with me. I have never touched him, all I want is to have a few friends, and a part-time job. How is this abusing him? So I can't have a job or friends because that is the way life is suppose to be!!! You try being cooped up in a house 24/7 with 4 kids, and tell me how you feel! I am a good Mother and wife and just because I want friends doesn't mean I am a feminist or what you men now call lesbian. You men are the ones that wanted to work 40-50 hours per week, not me. So the problem is within yourselves for taking on the domineering role. You don't like something, stay away from it. Paul's wife WEBMASTER - Please share this with your husband if you see any value to what I am saying. Your response came as something of a surprise. You need to know that men, and this includes your husband, do not CHOOSE their role. It is the same for us as it is for you. But there is one thing that is characteristically different between the sexes and that is veneer - the "front" we men feel we have to display to maintain respect. It isn't even conscious and in some cases when things don't work the way we think it is suppose to we blame ourselves and, in the extreme, commit suicide. Our numbers far higher than those for women. I am NOT, of course, suggesting that your husband is a candidate for suicide. But from what you have said it seems pretty clear that he is caught up in a particular form of male identity, at least as you see it. And right now your view is what is important. I am not a marriage counselor and there is no way I can solve your communication difficulties. For many people, both men and women, divorce is a horrible thing. But, if you are open to it, there is a short book you could read - and your husband should read it too - called, The Hazards of Being Male, by Herb Goldberg. You should be able to get a second hand copy at Amazon.com - If not, I'll send you one for free (let me know your mailing address). The book is out of print. If you are open to it, it will help you understand your husband better. My hope is that it would allow you to understand him enough (especially if he reads it too) that you will be able to find an approach to get him to understand your problems better. I don't expect that he would be unsympathetic. That is all I can do. Many women (and men, too) forget that we were just born into this world. We didn't sit down one day and decide to create it. For the past 2000 years our role relationships were based on survival. Now we live in a technology age, where the capability of each of us individually is so much more than it ever was. The old restrictions seem so unfair. I have included an article recently sent to me. It appeared in an Australian newspaper. It will give you some insight to one man's direct experience. Please keep in mind that this describes one extreme. But I thought it might serve as a good vehicle to get some kind of dialogue going - not between you and I - but hopefully a dialogue within yourself and eventually with your husband. I hope you will accept it with the good faith with which it was intended. GOOD LUCK to both of you. DEAR NCFM: This is the first time I have emailed you. As of this moment I am being accused of sexual threatening a girl in the college I go to and this stemmed from an incident that had nothing to do with sexual harassment or threatening anyone in general. It started over last spring semester when I was a radio DJ at the school radio station and I was lock out and there was no to help me who gave me help on this. I was very mad about this. The only option I was given was to call the campus police and they gave me no help at all. This made me more mad and I told them off. A couple minute later an officer came and said I was scaring people and gave me a hard time. In all actuality I was not scaring people. He was just was irritated by me telling him off. He notified one of the people who supervise the station and I had to explain myself to her. Deep down she didn't believe me and she told her friends about this and this started a rumor. With the way I was feeling and the look on my face at the time people, especially the girls, believed her story. This began to snowball were I had an augment with girl in one of my classes and she told the police who harassed me about it. I told my side of the story that I won't see her again but they would not believe me and told the Dean. She sided with her and I had to go for an evaluation with a shrink The female shrink said I had an anger problem, which I know is ridiculous because I did explain my situation to her and she did not believe me. Ironically I went to a male shrink he said there was nothing really wrong with me. Now I have go before the Dean again to explain myself because I was talking to a girl and her friends and they are associated with those who don't like me because of this incident and they are filling charges against me. It is hurting me terribly because my studies are suffering because of this as well as my health. I can't even sleep well because of this. It deeply affects me horribly and being that I am a man and they are women I am the bad guy and will be punished for it! Worst of all there are men who fit the stereotype of what most women loathed in men and this doesn't help our cause at all. So, please contact me. If at all possible refer me to anybody who can help me on this - PLEASE!!! Sincerely Yours, M.B. DEAR NCFM: I Have many issues I would love to relate to people who would listen and understand reality. I just printed out your membership form and I will fill it out and send it. I would be very interested in finding out how I can help in assuring me and all other men of equal rights before it gets any further out of hand. Thank you, sincerely. William Guzzi WEBMASTER - Thanks for your interest. You did the right thing by joining. This will entitle you to our bi-monthly newsletter AND you will be able to sign in to our very active members only discussion forum at Yahoo. You can discuss your experience and ideas there. If you are in a city where we have a chapter you can meet others face to face, OR, maybe some day you will be able to start a chapter of your own. DEAR NCFM: I'd like to send you some clippings about an issue of boys being banned from sports but I didn't see a mail address on your contact site. Thanks. Peter Munsing WEBMASTER - Thanks for your interest. Our general mailing address is listed at the bottom of our front page http://www.ncfm.org. It is also on our membership form. Click on JOIN. However, a more direct address would be to send things directly to our editor at: 5025 Lincoln Oaks Drive South, Suite 1501, Fort Worth, TX 76132-2243. We appreciate your sending us any articles, however, please note that copyright law prevents us from publishing them. For purposes of the world wide web it is best to email us a URL where the article can be found online. If our print editor is interested he will have to do his own reporting on the articles. DEAR NCFM: I want to bring you attention to a serious case currently on appeal to the South Carolina Supreme Court. I would like to request a friend of the court brief from your agency. Here is the link to the opinion, which could have been written by my ex-wife's attorney. This case, which has wide impact on men and their obligations for child support, has been featured in a number of legal newspapers in this state and may even make a national impact. http://www.judicial.state.sc.us/opinions/displayOpinion.cfm?caseNo=3680. To summarize, since undergoing a very nasty divorce in 2000, I have been devastated financially. I went to court with an actual income of $80,000 a year to seek a reduction in child support from it's current level (based on an income of $240,000 a year) to one more in line with reality. I was successful in having it reduced to just under 90% of my entire take home salary (I now pay a total of $72K a year in child support and alimony). My ex appealed and to the surprise of my appeals attorney and myself, won a reversal. My new wife's income (less than my own), loans and the fact we haven't been able to pay taxes in two years in order to make employee payroll we all considered income, and the fact that I was not reduced to living in a cardboard box on the street was taken as evidence that I could pay whatever she wanted. Since that case, my home has been foreclosed, my practice has been foreclosed, the cars have been repossessed. I currently have a place to live and a job solely at the mercy of the bank. This opinion was written in December, 2003 and immediately appealed to the SC Supreme Court. I do not know when they will address it, but I am sure it will not be long, so time is an issue. I currently have an attorney, so that is not what I am looking for, but a brief from your agency in this important case for men would be helpful, as would some publicity. R.T. WEBMASTER - It is not pleasant to have to turn down a request such as yours. Apparently, we have had other requests, but simply do not have the resources to deal with them. Every case has landmark setting points to make. An attorney who volunteers for us wrote the following, "we sympathize with your case, and wish you the very best luck. Unfortunately, we are an all-volunteer non-profit organization without the resources required to write amicus briefs on a pro bono basis in cases such as yours". This is true. The only way out of this mess is to have a well funded professional men's movement on the order of the feminism. But before we could ever get to attending to individual cases the broader picture has to be dealt with. In our experience every time someone has gone to court to try to deal with an individual injustice they meet with defeat. Just look at the history of our law suits to find justice in the domestic violence system in Minnesota and California. The court rulings against us are ridicules and obvious to anyone with a first grade education. Why is there such a brick wall? There are three reasons: prejudice, politics, corruption. And it can be documented. Read: "Is There Really a Fatherhood Crisis?", By Stephen Baskerville, PhD, (http://www.independent.org/tii/content/pubs/review/tir84_baskerville.html). You won't understand what is happening until you read this. Thus, our voluntary attorney's eyes role when he compares the past with present requests. He, and we frankly, consider it hopeless. There is no such thing in our "experience" as a good case; one that can be used to open their eyes. Their eyes are already opened and the courts know what they are doing. In numerous cases the courts have falsified records. How do you fight that? In any event, it is too much for us. I hope you can prove me wrong. DEAR NCFM: I am a father who has had numerous rights violated in the court system regarding my children and ex-wife. Just yesterday in Grand Forks, ND, I was treated horribly by the judge who ignored the facts regarding numerous protection order violations by my ex-wife. I went through the Community Violence Intervention Center (CVIC) for help. CVIC proved very helpful until it was time to go to court. While the judge was tearing into me yelling and screaming at my for "falsely accusing" my ex of violation the protection order the County Attorney and a representative from CVIC stood by and did absolutely nothing to inform the judge of the facts. My ex-wife has broken into my house and destroyed my property, continually contacted Social Services and the United States Air Force regarding alleged abuse. I have yet to be taken to court or formally charged of anything but I have been investigated by Social Services and the AF for over two years. I have police reports of her assaulting me and hitting me in the head with a telephone, recordings of harassing messages and phone calls etc.... I have hired an attorney who is of no help to me whatsoever. Yesterday the judge basically declared my Protection Order to be null and void. I'm just accumulating legal bills and being treated unfairly in the legal system. I was divorced in Polk County, Minnesota. Is there someone that I can contact for help??? G.S. WEBMASTER - You can contact our self-help hotline (telephone) and/or our veterans help service (email). To see the rules go to our Contact Us page and scroll down toward the bottom. The contact information is there. Http://www.ncfm.org/chapters.htm. DEAR NCFM: "I've enjoyed reading Transitions over the past year. Its content sheds light on many important areas concerning men's lives. I look forward to writing letters offering a man's perspective to help combat misandry. Hopefully we can make a difference in educating the public about misandry and bring about important changes in policy everyone will benefit from." Robert Hayward DEAR NCFM: THE TRIPLE BETRAYAL Recent research has shown that paternity is a hugely important issue, from two perspectives: 1; child's best interests, who, after is the most important person, and 2; from the perspective of fairness and future legal and ethical repercussions. In these days of genetic technologies, we can't assume that the children will never find out that 'dad' is not their father. From donating blood to needing an organ transplant, a child is likely to eventually find out that 'dad' isn't their father. For a child this can be devastating. Who am I? Where do I come from? The problems that adopted children face and the recent legal struggles of the children of sperm donors are examples of the sorts of problems that these children may face later in life. Where does this leave their family life also? If in a two child family, one child is dad's child, and the other is another man's child? Will the marriage survive? It is also about choice and risk. If a pregnant woman knows that the man is not the father, and she knows that he is going to be tested, the pregnant woman is a much safer position. Without this knowledge she may decide risk it and continue the pregnancy and hope that the man never finds out. With this knowledge she may decide to terminate the pregnancy rather than risk relationship breakdown over the issue and single parenthood - single parenthood without child support from the man. THERE ARE ISSUES OF FAIRNESS, ETHICAL AND LEGAL COSIDERATIONS: Recent research (since the advent of paternity testing) has shown that the rate of 'cuckolding'* (where a child is not the biological child of the man who thinks he is the father) is extremely high in the western world. Various studies, based on paternity testing and blood types have estimated that perhaps 25% of children are not the biological child of the man who believes he is the father. The published research I have found varies between one-in- four and a one-in-ten risk**. I would never cross the road again if I heard that I had a 25% chance of being killed by a car. This is an unacceptably high risk. Ethically there are issues of fairness for the man who is at risk by the so called 'Triple Betrayal'. THE TRIPLE BETRAYAL: The first of the triple betrayals is the betrayal of the relationship. A cuckolded man is betrayed firstly by his wife by her infidelity. This is, of course a huge betrayal. A betrayal of the love a man holds for his wife, and the institution of marriage itself. In the days before 'fault-free divorce' in Australia (and still in many states of America), infidelity is sufficient grounds for divorce. The second betrayal is a betrayal in the most heartfelt way. The love a parent holds for their child - a child that is not his. Imagine the trauma and the dilemmas of discovering that your children, the children you saw born and that you love, are actually not yours, and that your love was based on a lie. There is nothing stronger than the love a parent has for their child. But what if it isn't their child? This is a betrayal that women never experience, but is very, very real for men. What does it mean for the marriage? Does it condemn the man to childlessness? The third of the 'triple betrayals' is financial fraud. In Australia, children are expensive, perhaps costing $10,000 a year in direct costs, such as from a bigger house, car, food and music lessons and also in lost income (usually the mother's income). Legally, in the first test-case of its sort in Australian courts, the triple- betrayed, non-biological 'dad' (Liam Magill) was recently deemed to have been defrauded by his ex-wife for the child support he has been paying for the children. The mother has been ordered to refund him tens of thousands of dollars for economic loss and for his pain and suffering. The flow-ons of this legal precedent are far from complete and far from predictable. Typically in Australia, fathers work hard, in full-time 'career' jobs, while the mother has a less-demanding, close-to-home, or part-time job, while providing more care-giving. This means that in most families, the lions- share of the costs of children is carried by the father. A research paper put together by the Federal Department of Community Services, titled "Fitting Fathers into Families" says that average Australian fathers with a child under 10 years, spend 51 hour a week on work activities. This average includes the 10% of fathers who were unemployed at the time of the study. Forget the 38 hour week; Australian fathers work more than two-and-a- half hours a day more than that, to be good fathers and to responsibly support their dependents. So the triple betrayal a betrayal of a man's love by his wife, a betrayal of a parent's love for his child, and financial fraud. Often the man will also be condemned to childlessness. Of these, the betrayal of a parent's love must be the most painful. Cheryl King Melbourne, Australia WEBMASTER: Well said. I would add with simplicity that DNA or Paternity Fraud destroys the relationship between the child and adults. If you can't trust your mother, imagine, who can you trust? And, then, on top of that to continue to be completely dependent upon your mother for food and survival means you would have to continue to cope with blindly obeying a person who you know from experience can do you, and has done, great harm. How do you (as a small child) protect yourself? Imagine the insecurity that goes with that. I take that back. Don't think about it. It is too confusing. Too painful. Incomprehensible. DEAR NCFM: I have been arrested seven times in 35 days. I had gained the legal advice of an attorney who was doing all she could to keep up with my court dates that are stemming 2 and sometimes 3 a day in 2 different districts depending on where I was arrested; home or work. My last arrest came from my wife filing a statement stating I had allegedly called her cell phone and blocked the #. Since then my attorney has withdrawn her appearances claiming this was too much for her to deal with. I am getting arrested at the rate of twice a week and am afraid to go home; and providing I hold my job, to go to work. The mailman came into our office this morning and I found myself having to excuse myself to the restroom to vomit because he was in uniform and thought him to be the police again. I am having trouble keeping my focus at work and lately more often then not find myself going to the bar instead of going home, as I have no where else safe I can go.(If you consider that safe)Š.I am about to throw the towel in. The more I get arrested the further my goal of getting my son back becomes, and I have just about lost all hope. I have been advised to move 500 miles away and have entertained the idea, but I cannot let my employer down for one; and again would find myself in state every day to attend my court hearings. My wife and I met 6 years ago and have been on and off since. I never had a criminal record until I met her, not even a parking ticket. We were completely off and ended things when she learned of her pregnancy. We got back together and tried to work things out. Since then I have had numerous restraining orders founded by false allegations of threats made by myself to her and my son, numerous protective orders and been arrested several times. I continue to go back because we now have a son together and that seems to be the only time I get with him. She refuses to let the restraining orders and protective orders go, and only allow me contact under them. If ever I piss her off (I.e. don't give her money, don't agree with things concerning my son; etc) she has me arrested for violating the restraining order. My wife got pregnant again and I married her in August, again for the better of my children. I rented a house for us and moved her and my son into it. She started breaking things and became increasingly argumentative in front of my son who is now 2 years old and understanding more and more. I left the house hoping things would calm down. There was a new restraining order issued by more false allegations of threats of violence and involved DCF. I wasn't allowed back in my house or to visit my son. I started to get a little smarter about how I handled her this time. She called my mothers house (where I was staying) the day after She filed the new order and told me I could see my son. I wasn't going to let him down as my mother could here him screaming for me in the background. Under the restraining order my mother picked him up and dropped him off taping all conversation and all phone calls. She called the police on me for violating the restraining order again and this time I had it all on tape. They still arrested me because again I had violated the order. She then called my mother and told her she was completely out of the house and I could go back, again caught on tape. The restraining order specifically stated I was not allowed to be "wherever she may reside" So I went back to my house were the police were waiting for me. I let them in the house which had been stripped of all possessions and showed them that she did not reside there anymore. Because the box that said "do not enter the family dwelling" was checked off, and that technically was still the family dwelling, I was again arrested. I played the tape for the police officers that arrested me and DCF but the only headway that was made was in the police report they did put that she was doing this intentionally. I have no idea where she resides and where my son is at this time and have not seen him since Thanksgiving of last year. Now she has given birth to our daughter whom I have never seen. She continues to call the police at random and tells them I'm passing her on the street or driving by her house most of which I handled with the police by telling them where I was at those times. Her credibility is slowly dwindling with the police departments but they are now considering me a nuisance and would just assume put me in jail for good. I was again arrested on Monday at my place of employment for violating the protective order and tried again to tell the police that I didn't know where she was or even how to contact her. They still arrested me and couldn't find a copy of the police report to even tell me how I had violated the protective order. When I got a public defender he couldn't even tell me how I had violated it, but because I now have an extensive criminal history, the judge put a $25,000 bond on me. I, through the help of my very supportive family and god above, got out. I plan to go into hiding but still have to be at work. I'm scared of her. She knows how to use the system, and has already put me in jail for 3 months last summer for violating a protective order when I saw my son, and they tell me I'm going back for doing it again. I can't defend myself even with a tape recorder. In 5 years I haven't gotten a prosecutor, judge, or family services worker to listen to the taped conversations between my mother and her, or read the now 5 inch thick binder of my criminal/civil history concerning our cases; all of which has commentary and factual documentation of the true accounts of every case. I have had many lawyers and all are so mediocre that fighting the system has been a daunting uphill battle the nearly costs me my job every time, because of the amount of legwork I am having to perform to make my case. I'm not sure if any of this is going to help, but please I am afraid the next time I am arrested my bail will be too high to get me out, and that I will not have my job if I do. My employer has bent over backwards because I have been totally honest with him, but has told me he can't continue losing me, as I am a vital part of my company. Vital as I may be I can be replaced. I have always paid my child support even when incarcerated. I love my son and promised him would never stop trying to get him back, but several months to an adult is a lifetime to a child. I fear he will not understand, and can only imagine what his mother is telling him. Please help me I need my son. He is like the air I breath and without him I will surely suffocate. DCF seems to be my largest hurdle in the growing struggle to maintain some kind of contact with my son. I continue to jump through there hoops, now for 4 months, and still absolutely no visitation with my son or newborn daughter. I have heard through the grapevine that my wife is even telling them that they are making a mistake and this is having a lasting effect on my son. They have demanded she keep my son and newborn daughter away from me with the consequences being my children will be taken away from her too. I have paid my attorney a great deal of money and continue to pay bail bonds at rapidly increasing proportions. I pray to god for the strength, money and courage to continue my struggle for my son and to get out of jail one more time, but I don't think I can anymore. I am out of money, out of contacts, and my family as well. Although they remain supportive, they are as helpless as I am. A prayer may be all you can offer but at this point I will take it. R. R. DEAR NCFM: I have a challenging case for you. I am not a US citizen. I came to USA in 2002 on H1B (a temporary work permit) valid till May 2004. After seeing the flux in Information Technology (IT) field, I decided to go back to my home country. I gave notice to my sponsoring company about my intentions to quit my job and to depart back home. Meanwhile, I decided to call my family to USA for a sightseeing trip and that afterwards we all could go back together. My family joined me in 2003. After few days my wife showed her interest to stay here in USA permanently. I opposed this idea as I have other commitments back home. Moreover I am a Muslim with a different cultural background. I feel no harm in visiting Modern States but staying permanently and adapting the other culture does not convince me. After my refusal to stay, my wife started looking after alternative sources to meet her objectives. She found some people who were ready to help her. One of the person in that helping circle has tried to influence me by saying that he works for the FBI (JTTF). My wife with his support deserted the house one day along with the kids. She got another apartment in same complex. For a while she let me see the kids and then suddenly sopped doing that too. On asking she referred me to that FBI kind of person. I later come to know that she had applied for a change of status on " Humanitarian Grounds". Therefore, since INS might investigate, she stopped all my contacts with her and to the kids. Once I tried to insist on visiting the kids, she went to court and got a restraining order against me, which is full of false allegations and accusations (which can help her in acquiring legal status in USA on humanitarian grounds). No doubt that she is not so educated and is new to these environments, but she does have an innocent looking face and has mastered the art of lying and fabricating accusations. Therefore she has managed to gain sympathies of different people who want her to stay. I had to call off my departure for the time being and had to start off with some odd job in order to survive my prolonged stay. My wife has already started working on a full time basis in a grocery store. Now if I over stay my Visa to be around my kids, my status is jeopardized. If I go back home , I lose them forever. I don`t have sufficient funds to hire an attorney. My hearing on the petition filed by her is on 25th Mar. I am interested in my family going back home with me. If you feel necessary, I can send you the copy of Restraining Order and my explanation to allegations. Do you feel it will be appropriate for me to write a confidential letter explaining all the details to Chief Judge Superior Court of my County? Please let me know what to do??? I will appreciate if you reply my mail at baigman@georgia.com Thanking you in anticipation, T. B. WEBMASTER - My immediate reaction is that you are caught between a rock and a hard place, as the saying goes. American courts are probably going to favor your wife in anything she does. However, you should know that under US law there is no such thing as kidnapping between married people, so, you have every right to take your children wherever you want whenever you want until such time as there is a court order. The restraining order could cause a problem depending on how it is worded and who it is intended to protect. Beyond that the situation you face, should you travel home, is governed by treaty. This will require an attorney that has some international law experience. We don't have this kind of a resource at our finger tips. I will forward your letter to someone who I think might have some information, but if you don't hear anything in a few days then this source was unable to help. In the meantime, the only thing I can suggest, should you wish to stay in the US, is to petition the Immigration and Naturalization Service for permission to stay longer. For suggestions in dealing with the US courts you can call our self help advisor (he is not an attorney). Go to our web site at http://www.ncfm.org. Click on Contact Us. Scroll down to Self Help Hotline. There you will see the rules for making contact and the telephone number.

NCFM, PO Box 582023, Minneapolis, MN 55458-2023