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174 ways to call a penis something other than “penis”!

June 8, 2011

Whatever you call it, its mine!

NCFM San Diego members are writing a play. It’s a take-off on the Vagina Monologues and may be ready by November and International Men Day. In the process our aspiring playwrights decided to compile a list of synonyms for the word penis to use while writing. It appears that  the word “Penis” may have more synonyms than any other word in the English language. If they missed any, please leave the missing penises in the comment section below. Admittedly, some are a bit obscure but a penis by any name us still a “deep-V-diver”. Here ya’go:

Albino Cave Dweller
baloney pony
beaver basher
beef whistle
bell on a pole
Bob Dole
cranny axe
cum gun
custard launcher
deep-V diver
ding dong mcdork
disco stick
dog head
drum stick
dude piston
Easy Rider
fire hose
flesh flute
flesh tower
fuck rod
fudge sickle
fun stick
heat-seeking moisture missile
John Thomas
king sebastian
krull the warrior king
lap rocket
leaky hose
little Bob
little Elvis
love muscle
love rod
love stick
mayo shooting hotdog gun
meat constrictor
meat injection
meat popsicle
meat stick
meat thermometer
meter long king kong dong
middle stump
Moisture and heat seeking venomous throbbing python of love
Mr. Knish
mushroom head
old boy
old fellow
old man
one-eyed monster
one-eyed snake
one-eyed trouser-snake
one-eyed wonder weasel
one-eyed yogurt slinger
Pied Piper
Pig skin bus
pink oboe
piss weasle
pork sword
private eye
private part
purple-headed yogurt flinger
purple-helmeted warrior of love
quiver bone
rod of pleasure
schlong dongadoodle
schmuck, shmuck
sebastianic sword
short arm
single barrelled pump action bollock yogurt shotgun
skin flute
spawn hammer
steamin’ semen truck
stick shift
Tan Bannana
third leg
thunderbird 3
trouser snake
twig (& berries)
wang doodle
wee wee
whoopie stick
Wiener Schnitzel
wing dang doodle
yogurt gun

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138 Responses to 174 ways to call a penis something other than “penis”!

  1. Bob on August 2, 2014 at 4:28 PM

    Dick Tracey

    • Rebecca Picard on March 7, 2017 at 10:40 AM

      What about meat member ship… (comment edited)

    • Billy on July 5, 2017 at 10:57 PM

      Moisture missle

    • Felicia Gonzales on December 10, 2018 at 9:09 PM

      Chief Totem Pole

      • Tracy Lawson on June 21, 2021 at 10:02 PM

        The best of all! Homewrecker!

        • NCFM on June 22, 2021 at 9:14 AM

          That’s one of many descriptive phrases that fit Joan Harmon…

          • TOMCATDIGIANIMEFAN on October 8, 2021 at 5:27 AM

            YOU FORGOT SWORD

    • Lonnie Neal Sr on September 20, 2021 at 9:29 PM

      Dirty Dick !

  2. g on June 23, 2014 at 10:08 PM

    Another one i use is Car.
    Get it the car parks in the garage (vagina)

  3. steve on June 2, 2014 at 6:03 PM

    And nobody came up with Big Bird yet?

  4. trudy lyte on May 22, 2014 at 10:51 PM

    Nookie monster

  5. Jacob Scott on May 17, 2014 at 7:35 PM


  6. WestEye on May 15, 2014 at 5:44 AM

    How about womb broom?

    • on November 3, 2016 at 5:33 AM

      always only heard womb broom in reference to a mustache. maybe a beard. but this makes sense too. lol

    • Knob polish on November 16, 2017 at 2:20 PM

      Jamicains call it a womb stretcher

  7. Dick Johnson on April 18, 2014 at 9:57 PM

    wienis , love gun, chubby funster, richard, purple headed meat hammer

  8. prettyinpinksubmissive on April 12, 2014 at 4:23 PM

    My mother-in-law called “his” the rosebud when he was a child.
    I called it Richard when we were dating and writing letters to each other (for you younguns, that was e-mail before the e-.

  9. Rambo on April 3, 2014 at 9:11 AM

    Ding-dang doodly

  10. Stranger on March 23, 2014 at 11:13 AM

    For Filipino wife: vanilla from Manila

  11. Kyle on February 28, 2014 at 3:39 PM

    Forgot Dingus, Dangus, Fireman, Fudge Packer, Holy diver, Moses (Parts the pink sea), Pork Sword, Willy Wonka, Monkey Wrench, and Sexy tube

  12. Daddy-know-how on January 27, 2014 at 9:02 AM

    You forgot:
    Magic Stick
    The Bozack
    Pile Driver
    Meat Flute
    Flesh Flute
    Hustle Muscle
    Alabama Black Snake
    Heavy D and the Boys
    The D
    Vitamin D
    Get Right
    Love Ladel

    • ben on April 11, 2014 at 10:04 PM

      and “my three best friends mr johnson and the juice crew” or “my inflatable poo-jabber”

    • samantha on September 3, 2017 at 11:14 PM

      omy gosh! who would ever call there hump bump a knife?! Im a lady and if any dude was to ever call it a knife to me I would run as fast as I could and wouldnt look back. Calling your thrust rocket a knife is the equilvelent to me calling my pleasure hole a cheese grater. JS…

      • Davi Loomis on February 25, 2019 at 4:03 PM

        Hahahahah, haha, hahahahaha. Good one

      • Knay on January 31, 2021 at 6:07 PM

        We had a friend with the name Dick Little & our Banker was Richard Head AKA Dick Head .

  13. Darren on January 26, 2014 at 9:21 PM

    “Wedding tackle” — head a British bloke say this one day. Hilarious!

  14. AJAX on January 17, 2014 at 9:22 AM

    Slime spitting flesh monster
    Dick stick make it quick
    Trouser tumor
    Mr. Long skin
    Pump action protein shake dispenser
    Hump lump
    Flesh bat with balls included

  15. Michael B on January 9, 2014 at 5:09 AM

    Beer Can
    crafty butcher (sneaking meat in the back door)

  16. Joe Bloggs on December 29, 2013 at 9:36 AM

    Meat and two veg

    • Len Shelton on December 30, 2013 at 4:06 PM

      a previous boy friend always called mine “tooter moose”

    • ytrewq on March 23, 2014 at 4:59 AM


  17. ivan on November 21, 2013 at 8:18 PM

    light saber

    • Faith on November 26, 2013 at 9:19 PM

      I call my husbands “Mr. Rogers” and often ask him if he wants to come to the neighborhood.

  18. bob on November 15, 2013 at 5:25 PM


  19. Ash on November 15, 2013 at 12:52 PM

    The Rape Whistle

    • Disgusted on January 4, 2016 at 4:08 PM

      While I’ve been having a damn good giggle, this bastard had to ruin it. You’re a sick prick (yes yes I realise the pun).

  20. colleentsune on November 9, 2013 at 3:50 AM

    I call my boyfriend’s member Steelix, cause he sure likes to use “harden” a whole lot

    • Pokemon Penis Names on December 11, 2015 at 8:15 AM

      Then it should be called metapod

  21. Stephen on November 9, 2013 at 3:12 AM

    My girlfriend calls my “member” Darth Vader!

  22. Rheannon Brumhildegarde Dawn on October 29, 2013 at 8:24 PM

    Pork steeple, One-eyed Willy, Pud, Pocket Pud, Herman the One-eyed German, Yippee Rod, Dew Piston, Junk Driver, Cave Diver, Thomas the Tank, Trouser Mowzer, and The One-eyed One-Horned Flying Purple Pu$$y Eater lol

    • Lisa on August 13, 2017 at 7:30 PM

      What about meat Popsicle?

    • Dan on November 14, 2017 at 6:26 PM

      Hahahaha thet last one$$$$

  23. Rachel Frenchers on October 26, 2013 at 8:13 PM

    Shenanigan maker

  24. TswanaX on October 6, 2013 at 1:13 AM

    my girlfriend calls mine the drama queen cos he likes to stand at inappropriate times when everybody’s seated

    • Faith on November 26, 2013 at 9:22 PM

      Are you like 12? Dafuq

  25. cfk on October 1, 2013 at 6:34 PM


  26. laurence on September 28, 2013 at 7:20 PM

    Ol’ Babol
    Gubla Gobler

  27. Eliseo on September 28, 2013 at 9:35 AM


  28. Markus on August 22, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    Spunk trumpet!

  29. Rob on August 8, 2013 at 7:56 PM

    What about a hang down?

  30. Ben Shi on June 8, 2013 at 9:13 AM

    Two military-themed ones missing are “trouser howitzer” and “blujean bazooka”

  31. Pokemon on May 28, 2013 at 1:58 PM

    because mine tends to show (poke out) when i wear gym shorts or sweatpants, my wife came up with Pokey-mon

  32. Laura Bennett-Cook on April 16, 2013 at 12:39 PM

    Mr. Happy; Fatty; Fun Gun

  33. dragon on April 3, 2013 at 5:06 PM

    Jewels,family jewels,gems

    • That One Guy on December 11, 2016 at 9:24 AM

      Well that’s more for the balls, not the millimeter peter.

  34. Owen on March 27, 2013 at 10:23 AM


  35. Jeremy on February 28, 2013 at 3:52 PM

    When I was growing up my family always called it a “bird.” I still have no idea where that came from, maybe cock? Who knows. And you forgot “Naughty bits.”

    • southerncomfort74 on February 25, 2016 at 10:17 AM

      My family too! I find people in the North East (Virginia on up) called it a bird. I think if I called my significant other’s a bird he’d wonder, wtf? Lol!

  36. Bob on February 13, 2013 at 12:34 PM

    Dirty Hairy
    Trauser Trout

    • wazoo on February 17, 2013 at 4:18 PM

      Weapon of ass destruction

  37. Mike Thorpe on January 31, 2013 at 11:46 AM

    crank, joint, slick swizzle stick, purple piccolo

  38. Brian on January 24, 2013 at 9:40 AM

    Pink stinger

  39. Chris Poran on January 18, 2013 at 10:11 PM

    Meat Dragon spewing white syrup. A world of Warcraft type of things

  40. William Thompson on January 15, 2013 at 11:25 AM

    Vitamin D

  41. Sue on January 3, 2013 at 3:29 PM

    How about a “Barack” since he’s such a dick?

    • Abby on April 13, 2013 at 10:30 PM

      If we’re going by that logic then we should call it a George W. Bush

      • Simmy on May 24, 2013 at 11:54 AM

        Why not just President. They’re all dicks.

        • George Valentine on August 27, 2013 at 3:03 PM

          How about the Portugese hand pump or the one eyed cobra

    • Len Shelton on December 30, 2013 at 4:04 PM

      I assume that means you see dicks as a negative thing to have and to hold. You must be a trans!! Not that there is any thing wrong with a trans guy….he just doesn’t treasure his tool

      • I love my dick on July 29, 2016 at 1:54 AM

        I think you’re assuming all trans people are transitioning to being women. I’m a person transitioning to male. I love my dangus.

        Also trans women are women, regardless of having a wingding.

    • michelle on January 30, 2018 at 7:03 PM


  42. Mrs. Miller on December 30, 2012 at 4:04 PM

    got a couple to add to your list: anaconda, beefstick, bestfriend, hard-on, hot beef injection, lil’ buddy, morning wood, package, phallus, red rocket, salami, sword, tripod, unit, velvet hammer and wood.

  43. Dean on December 9, 2012 at 12:05 PM

    Dangling diner

  44. Hood! on December 7, 2012 at 4:52 AM

    Bubba Plump
    My stripper pole
    Her weave killer
    Lace front massacre
    The female popsicle

    • on December 29, 2013 at 10:51 PM

      Cucumber,footlong,pickle,the stallion,the womenator,swipe,shaft,franken beans,corndog,captain cave man,mighty mouse,pipe, powerdriver,the destroyer,magic stick, mandingo,king Kong,donkey dick,pistol pete,quick draw,

  45. Tom on September 1, 2012 at 11:08 PM

    My favorite was a phrase used in some Victorian porn: “Cupid’s battering ram.”

    • Penis Gourd on October 25, 2012 at 2:23 PM

      It looks like somebody has a little too much time on their hands…

  46. naenae322 on August 29, 2012 at 6:29 PM

    how about trouser monkey
    scorpian tail
    beef injecter
    cinder (like cinder block)
    black momba
    fire breathing dragon
    and sleeping pill lol. thas all the things me n my boyfriend call his

    • matt on October 17, 2012 at 8:36 PM

      Girls call their part a monkey. so trouser monkey doesnt work. ur bf needs to rethink that.

      • William on October 10, 2013 at 10:03 PM

        Matt, it sounds like your girl may have once been a man because I am pretty sure that I have been spanking my monkey for more than my entire life. I’ve never heart a woman call her Giner a monkey, maybe my monkey hammock but not a actual monkey.

        • Dangus master on July 29, 2016 at 1:57 AM

          That’s not trans phobic at all.

  47. mandrax on March 23, 2012 at 8:56 PM

    How'd you miss ding-a ling ?

    • on November 3, 2016 at 5:47 AM

      right?! chuck berry even wrote a song about it… which was promptly banned

      • Shaun on July 30, 2017 at 8:26 AM

        Except in Britain, where it reached Number One!

  48. keri k on March 2, 2012 at 9:19 AM

    weapon could be another word for it too!

    • McDrake on January 3, 2013 at 2:53 PM


  49. Chuck Padget on June 14, 2011 at 1:05 AM

    Actually I was thinking of suggesting "174 ways to name your lover"

    It's kind of a take off of that silly Paul Simon song

  50. John Lukas on June 10, 2011 at 6:31 AM

    Nice article, Harry. It's about time we bring this out for open discussion. I've really grown tired of the smae old women crap that we're subjected to on TV and elsewhere.'

    Let's see if they protest their own medicine now.

    • Jodie Watson on January 8, 2017 at 10:23 AM

      Here’s a few more for your list… little guy, Limp noodle, staff, sceptre, shlong, turd bugler, pogo stick, kack, ram rod,

      • Yakarot on April 2, 2017 at 2:24 PM

        How could you forget “Power Pole”!! (Dragon Ball)

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