CHANGING THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SCENE
Denial was always the reality protecter that insulated the family from the truth. Her boys never said anything and her husband’s voice never once uttered what his eyes revealed. After all, who could acknowledge a mother abusing her sons. It was those soccer parents witnessing what Pat was doing that brought everything into focus.
Mike got me involved in this domestic violence picture when he asked for help. He shared an unsettling story of how others intervened and stopped his wife from hitting their youngest boy. Police got involved, charges were filed, there was a court hearing and then everything got settled. A suspended sentence, fines, domestic violence classes, separation, individual counseling, anger management classes, group counseling, family counseling and then everyone all back together like everything is normal. The criminal justice system seems satisfied, but the real crime is still here.
Despite all those hours of court, classes and counseling, Mike fears for the future.
“On the surface she’s the perfect wife and mother. But that’s surface. When I ask her how she’s doing, she uses that familiar ‘f’ word. ‘Fine’. Fine? That’s what got us into all this. Everything was always fine. Well, I’m not sticking to the surface and hoping for the best. I don’t ever want my boys to live under the camouflage of FINE. I can’t live with that threat! I know that Pat doesn’t want to escalate to violence ever again, but my family needs more than psychological explanations, judicial justice and blind hope.”
Mike asked for my help because he was involved in the seminars I was doing for his company. I teach a communication practice called MOVVE™. It combines brain wisdom, known as IQ (Intelligence Quotient) with EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient). Getting brains and behavior to cooperate takes the coordination of emotional energies. After all, it’s our feelings that drive thoughts, attitudes and actions. Too often what we know and want to do, gets scrambled by our feelings. Good intentions frequently go south in spite of our best laid plans, knowledge and support.
By putting the MOVVE practice into everyday application on the job, Mike discovered he was able to generate remarkable results. Dwight D. Eisenhower once said, “Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they WANT to do it.” Mike experienced that when he used MOVVE™ to communicate at work. He made a profound connection with others that empowered them with resources to deal with huge challenges. He didn’t provide answers, he skillfully listened with a voice that motivated their own abilities to succeed. What emerged was a bonded loyalty to pursue improvement. Productivity, teamwork and goal success soared.
Mike wanted those results at home. He wanted his family to deal with their domestic challenge that threaten their safety, well being and nurturing home. No more denial, surface spinning or relying on the illusion of “fine.” It was time to MOVVE™ into communication that motivated honest talking skills. Time to use the emotional intelligence that creates behaviors and attitudes united in becoming a loving, violence-free family.
Stop, Drop and Roll was a familiar procedure the boys learned at school for dealing with a fire. In MOVVE™, Stop • Drop & Role is an emotionally intelligent procedure for dealing with inner fires that could escalate into rage or violence. So, when feeling the heat of anger or when feelings are boiling, STOP! You end your involvement by simply asking for a minute, a moment, a pause.
Since we’ve all grown up with TV and movies, it’s easy to imagine what a Producer does. They see the big picture. A show is a series of scenes that tell a story. So when you look through the eyes of a Producer, you don’t just see one single scene, you have the widescreen overview of the entire show. You have the immediate awareness of it’s overall purpose, direction and destination. When you’re picturing the forest and not just one tree, you have the perspective of a Producer.
PDS is one of the 75 MOVVE™ assets that capitalize on our TV and movie experience. PDS stands for Producer, Director and Star. It distinguishes three sides of our character to create a practical and perceptual reference for improving communication and emotional intelligence skills. You are always the Star of your show, so when you’re feeling tension heating up, you do a Stop • Drop & Role. Your Stop allows you, the Star to exit and bring in you, the Producer. You use your imagination to make this spontaneous switch so no one outside your mind knows what you’re doing.
Seeing things through the eyes of a Producer offers a much different perspective than the eyes of a Star. When you’re the Star you are into the intensity of the scene. You are filled with all the action and feelings of what’s happening. However, a Producer doesn’t have that involvement. Producers see things from a distance. They are not involved in the action or feelings. A Producer is focused on the bigger show so they have the advantage of disassociation. This means they are not wrapped up in the thoughts and feelings that the Star has in a scene. All those thoughts and feelings vanish when the Producer appears. They DROP. That’s the “Drop” of the Stop • Drop & Role. When your perspective changes, so does your emotions.
Next comes the ROLE. Notice that it’s spelled r o l e NOT r o l l. After using your imagination to view your scene from the distance of a Producer, you emerge back to the Star, but in a different Role. You now are the listener! You are no longer advocating a position or point. Your character is now listening to what the other person is saying. You invite them to talk, share and elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. You are no longer in an adversarial role that exacerbates conflict and stress. You are in the role of the listener, the receiver who hears and helps others to express themselves.
All the professionals and experts in the field know that communication needs a receiver. Without that listener, there is NO communication. MOVVE™ applies our IQ smarts by creating a stage for EQ involvement. Smart becomes smarter. There are 74 other assets, aides and actions that MOVVE™ has fashioned to ease the application of communication and emotional intelligence skills. MOVVE™ is a communication PRACTICE that equips people with those assets, aides and actions to make change and improvements possible. No more philosophy or pseudo psychology necessary. The motto of MOVVE™ is “Action Creates Change!”
Pat isn’t the only one applying PDS and Stop • Drop & Role. After all, anger is one of our primal emotions and is not likely to disappear. Like Pat, Mike and their boys have discovered, anger doesn’t have to lead to violence. Our inner Director in PDS can guide us to more resourceful improvements. Anger can transition to determination and persistence as well as other emotional drivers when you’re running a show devoid of violence. Communication is how we express ourselves and when we have a better practice for expression, relationships get healthier, families unite and life is good!
When you have direction and a destination worth living, change and improvement just takes practice. Get on the MOVVE!™
James Cox, author of “Communicate To Motivate: Ignite Attitudes, Actions & Achievements” can be reached at themovve@charter.net or at http://themovve.com
