DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BETRAYED
By Jamie Cox, M.Ed.
The accusation that blows the whistle on domestic violence is a life changer. When valid, it can restore and rebuild a life. When it’s a lie, it will rape and ravage. Jails for the criminals and jails for the accused. While false accusations may not escalate to orange jumpsuits and prison bars, it ALWAYS devastates. The loss of credibility, family, friends and career is a life changer.
When you hear about domestic violence what comes to mind is physical brutality. What’s lost in translation is the violence of the lie. Sticks and stones break bones and words that lie break everything else.
The number of men who have been ravaged by false accusations are too many to count and there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. Sure, there are laws on the books to prosecute those liars, but that’s too little, too late. Let’s prevent the initial crime. Rather than relying on our behemoth judicial process, let’s reveal the real instigator of false domestic accusations. Truth-skirting lawyers, legal loopholes and that abyss of paperwork won’t uncover the guilty and responsible party – communication.
When talk in the home is all about arguments or reduced to the mundane and perfunctory, trouble is brewing. Communication at home should be about honestly enjoying and sustaining the relationship. Living the “Fight Club” or “The Art of War” OR just going through the motions to keep peace is NOT communication. A loving home communicates within an open and honest environment to ensure stability, support and a long and happy life together.
The high divorce rate is an obvious indication that communication is not going well in our homes. When talking evolves into adversarial sides, true communication is silenced. Power struggles, gamesmanship and fighting to be heard is NOT how to relate to someone we care for. When anger and fear has replaced feelings of love and trust, honest communication isn’t happening.
When living together is a constant struggle of absent communication, battle lines are drawn and it’s a fight to win or lose. Illusions become the reality. Keeping up appearances is vital because the relationship was suppose to last forever. Both now live a lie. Whatever talking truths they had in the beginning are muzzled. They tell lies to themselves and everyone else.
Tensions of anger and fear rage and murmur when their voices speak. Possible outcomes can be predicted with domestic violence being one of the worse ones. When this happens in a home where power struggles reign, honesty isn’t spoken and win/lose conflicts dominate. The stage is set for the false accusation.
With relationships deteriorating into fights, an easy weapon to access is the lie. The false accusation is not just wielded in the heat of the moment or in the aftermath of retaliation or revenge. Bandages will help heal physical wounds, but sustaining the false accusation prevents any healing. The violence continues lie after lie. Remember, sticks and stones break bones and words that lie break everything else.
MOVVE™ is a communication practice that needs no weapons to speak. It sets the stage for honest discourse and growth with a solid foundation of emotional intelligence. Feelings fuel behaviors so MOVVE provides a language that talks emotions without distortions, betrayals or lies.
Imagine relationships that can deal with stress, disagreements and all the challenges of life. Good communication connects and strengthens us so we are able to deal with failures, frustrations and fear. All those feelings that can rip away at relationships transition into emotions that express with positive and productive behaviors. When we have emotionally intelligent communication skills, we can pursue solutions with support. We don’t change love and happy ever after into combat zones.
False accusations are a communication crime we can prevent. Is it a huge undertaking? You bet, so let’s get on the MOVVE!™ Let’s do away with those adversarial relationships and make domestic violence as rare as the dodo bird. Impossible? Communication creates change. Let’s MOVVE™ it!
James Cox is the author of “Communicate To Motivate: Ignite Attitudes, Actions & Achievements,” which introduces the MOVVE™ Communication Practice. The book can be downloaded at https://payhip.com/b/sy8e James can be reached at themovve@charter.net or at http://themovve.com
Jamie Cox M.Ed.
Staff Development Consultant
Keynote Speaker – Productivity Coach
509 392-9061
http://www.facebook.com/TheMOVVE
This might help stop false accusations of domestic abuse, but domestic abuse itself is an entirely different issue. Power plays and controlling tendencies are deep-seated psychological issues arising from the abusive person’s methods for handling (or, rather, not handling) stress and negative emotions. By sublimating negative emotions and inadequately dealing with stressful situations, the person increasingly feels insecure. As a result of this insecurity, the person often feels threatened by anything seemingly outside the realm of his or her control. This causes an abuser to seek to exert control over other aspects of his or her life. Open communication doesn’t work if one of the people involved is not capable of being honest with his or herself from the start, and generally overcoming such issues requires professional therapy.