NCFM NOTE:
Mr. Manners is an age-old NCFM satirical advise columnist, not to be confused with other forms of alternate reality. Here’s one of his blasts from the past. We have no clue who is the sexist pig but what she/he wrote fired up Mr. Manners…
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Dear Mr. Manners:
Despite a much higher budget, the female starring “Ghostbusters” failed to come close to matching the original in popularity. Perhaps the mistake was remaking an original which grossed a paltry 685 million in current dollars? Still, in an effort to promote female characters in film, I have written a female version of the even less popular romantic comedy “Something About Mary” which only grossed 560 million in current dollars. Proving that despite the scene involving Mary’s hair, “Something About Mary” can be out-grossed.
“Something About Ted” starts with Mary’s prom night date, using the same humorous incidents only with the genders reversed. Mary is beaten up by Ted’s mentally challenged sister. This is followed by the hilarious severe clitoral injury scene. Like Ted in the original, Mary is dropped in the stretcher that was taking her to the hospital. Mary then travels well over one thousand miles to seek the love of a man who had not contacted her in the preceding 13 years, including not visiting her in the hospital after her prom night misfortunes.
Mary experiences the same slapstick humorous adventures as her male counterpart did. Her head is repeatedly banged on the table by police who mistake her for a serial killer. As a result, she spends a short stint in jail with a large cellmate who is sexually attracted to her. In other scenes, she injures her back lifting a piano, gets a fishhook caught in her mouth and is savagely attacked by a dog who doesn’t spare her previously injured clitoris. Eventually she wins Ben’s love helped by the acceptance of the mentally challenged sister who had earlier beaten the living crap out of her.
For some reason, the fact that the original “Something About Mary” was called a romantic comedy seems sexist. However, I know it is not, because I could find no critic, commentator etc. who thought anything about the film was sexist.
Sincerely,
Fear I’m a sexist.
Dear Sexist Pig:
Apparently, you did not look very hard. In her book “Brave Dames and Wimpettes”, writer Susan Isaacs pointed out the sexism in the original film. Mary was not shown practicing her profession, but was shown undressing in front of a window. Mr. Manners finds the former particularly disturbing, because Mary’s job in this comedy happens to be the hilarious world of Orthopedic surgery.
Issac’s book criticized current cinema for aspects such as, women betraying other women including friends, focusing on men instead of a career, not being civil to other women and not having high ethical standards. By its omission in the book, one can only conclude no such anti-male sexism appeared in “Something about Mary”.
In the original “Something About Mary”, Ted’s best friend Dom secretly pursues Mary and writes a letter in an attempt to curtail Ted’s relationship with her. Another suitor Healy, falsely claims one of his rivals Tucker is a murderer. All of this done in a non-sexist manner.
Issac’s complains about movies where women wait around for their men and “ wimpettes” whose “worth rises in direct proportion to (their) masochism.” In contrast, the men in “Something About Mary” don’t stay at home, they suspend their lives and travel from Maine to Florida in pursuit of Mary ‘s love. Plus, they take action. For instance, Tucker gets a friend to hit him with a baseball bat so he can be a patient in Mary’s orthopedic practice. Despite Tucker being a rival, Healy impressed with this method tells him “touche”.
Issacs bemoans the lack of women with character in films. The men in the original have interesting character traits. Dom has a bizarre foot fetish, Tucker a pizza deliver guy, poses as a physically crippled English architect. Unlike Mary, detective Healy is shown practicing his occupation. He displays his detective skills of voyeurism (watching Mary undress in front of the window), pathological lying and illegal wire tampering, while betraying his client Ted, in his pursuit of Mary. We need more movies showing women in their careers. More “Pretty Women’s” and less “Something About Mary’s”, you stupid, sexist, degenerate. Thanks again for being a fan of my column and reaching out to me for advice.
